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Was only married for a year before the wife said "I'm just not feeling it anymore". A few months went by with me thinking I just had to try to be nice and do what I could to make her happy (since part of the stress was my having no, and then a crappy, job, and I then got a better job than she has or than I had before), and that didn't work. She went to one counseling session with me. One. And then essentially threw up her arms and said "I don't want to try anymore". I've tried everything I could think of, and went to other people for advice. But the thing is, she only cares what *she* thinks (even though her family and at least some of her friends told her she needs to keep trying, and the other friends just said "do what you feel is right". "I'm not going to give a real answer"), what *she* feels. I think she's been seeing another guy, but I don't have proof. She's planning on moving out in a couple months when the current lease on the place we have is up, planning on doing the 6 months/1 year no-fault divorce VA has. She says she doesn't want to try to get anything from me, any alimony or anything, but I have my doubts that'll stick after she's lived on her own for a bit. Is there anything I can do to get that to be counted, or am I going to have to pay the woman who just gave up and didn't try at all? And further, is there any reason she should get to keep the engagement/wedding rings? She clearly wasn't committed to this, and again, she shouldn't be *rewarded* for that. |
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Well, I would deny being a player in denial, but I don't know if that really gets me anywhere. Believe me, I am not intentionally playing with anyone's emotions. I don't date multiple women at a time. There have been plenty of women where I did not genuinely feel and emotional connection, and I haven't let things get too far with them. I do think I have a tendency to fall too quickly, though, with certain women. If I feel some combination of emotional connection and physical attraction, I let my guard down and let my emotions lead the way. That very well might be a problem, but I don't believe that makes me a player. In my mind, a player is someone who intentionally disregards the feelings of others in order to get as conquests as possible. That is not what I am doing. I find myself feeling crazy about someone; let things start to get serious; then realize that things just aren't "right". I think that is a different problem.
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The weight is important true. Agreed that this pissed you off and was cause for huge concern. Agreed that you put a stop to it and all are better off. Trick is that both of you are showing signs of having some serious anger and resentment issues other than weight. First you have to forgive her for gaining the weight. And for still being overweight. Truly forgive that. Then look around beyond that. I get the feeling that she's pissed off at you for a few things too. And you with her. And frankly each of you is disappointed in yourselves for things that have nothing to do with the other but are blaming each other. Start with honoring each other even when you don't feel like it. Treat each other with the respect that you would treat a famous awesome person. It help. At a minimum always be as polite as you would to your co workers or a valued client. Do some things away from the that are relaxing., theatre, comedy club, drive by the ocean or in the mountains, couples massage, farmers market, auction, dancing, something . I just kind of get the sense that you made up your mind a time ago and aren't willing to let go of the weight thing as the ticket out of there. What happens if she loses another 60 pounds that be enough? Probably not 'coz that isn't the real issue. Although at least it position her as a hot divorcee to make use of your alimony payments. Which has merit. You could always just separate for awhile with no intention of divorce just straightening out your heads worked for my husband and me and trust me we had way more whacked out issues than this. Took us two years but gotta say it did the trick. So did the honor thing. And the fun thing. Yes can come back. Takes work but yes it can.
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